Wednesday, February 17, 2010

some candy company ripped me off



i dont know this just seems vaguely derivative

maybe what i mean is i wish i was the one who made that website. why is it the best kind of irony is always the unintended kind. dammit this candy slinging jackass doesnt even realize what a fucking genius he is. because hes too fucking stupid. stupid enough to think that a bunch of street savvy, mishapen headed, weirdly mongoloid looking motherfuckers is a one way ticket to selling a goddamn tsunami of candy

i dont know where to begin with this thing its like trying to shake the hand of a really fat guy, what do you even grab

ENTER KIDS' ZONE... fuck i could write a graduate thesis on this garbage, im repelled just by the sheer audacity of its hydranecked powergrab for my contempt. at least KIDS isnt spelled with a Z maybe they havent figured out how to do that in england yet. no not with the queens english, but of course in one fell swoop they use that same silvery tongue to titillate the devils squirming asshole.

ok hang on... panning through the grisly multimedia trainwreck of an intro oh ok SKIP... and music off... ok

i wonder if that music was from THE STREET. probably fucking jacked right the fuck off some fly homie's boombox

now we need to MEET THE SWEET CRED GANG obviously as soon as fucking possible cause i dont know how i slept a fucking wink without this posse of smug cunts taking me to school. how should i wear a hat oh ok backwards? whoa whoa slow down are you sure itll even FIT that way. we are talking about the same thing right, a HAT right. ha ha

lets talk about SIMON



ok i cant even say for sure if "cool" is even what they were going for here. reminds me of like in movies when they try to dress a drunk guy up to stand in as someone respectable to pull off a ruse, or maybe a dead guy like weekend at bernies. or a retarded guy who happens to be good at something but cant be no damn retarded guy or he'll b disqualified from the competition or whatever.

what im saying is that simon looks mentally handicapped and someone dressed him that way in the morning. dressed him "cool", skateboard check backwards hat check. i guess im saying simon is mentally challenged and he does skateboard stunts for applesauce (re: falls down)

the more i look at his head the more it resembles... i dont know

something indecent.

his head is like... imagine cauliflower-eared genitalia in a hat. imagine if you shaved someones pubic area and if what you found underneath could make a face at you. it would basically be simons face

the cartoonist i guess believes the lowered eyelids stylistically commands confidence but what he doesnt realize is that attribute massively amplifies the horrifying nature of the already latently grotesque. imagine if a dead guys nutsack had eyes and the eyelids lowered at you leaving little doubt: that sack KNOWS THE SCORE. fuck

oh man he LOVES: working on his skateboard moves and downloading GREAT VIDEOS... wait but where? grandad's gramophone or some uncool shit like that? NO AN MP4 PLAYER. thats how cool he is he doesnt even BOTHER with mp3 players like what the kids these days are probably using he skips right to fucking 4.

also hes not too keen on homework and i cant say i blame him, oh also he doesnt like not having money, and i mean damn son who DONT like being no broke ass nigga???? whoever wrote this shit needs to step on a rake in a comedic fashion

oh yeah hes 11 years old rounding him out to be the juviest wiggeriest little turd ever to politely request a beatdown via dipshitty smirk. oh ever notice how if a cartoon guy has a skateboard the wheels will NEVER be on the ground EVER.

im wearing myself out with this garbage and theres so much more filth to paw through.

what was wrong with the guy who made this. he was digging deep trying to get at some truth about young people i guess to "connect" with these little cretins who snap up his candy. i picture him rooting around in some chitinous cavity in his skull with a mean little seafood fork all digging and prying but instead of pulling out the truth all hes doing is yanking out little white fleshy bits that go awesome with butter.

ill talk about this later

the black guy oh god i gotta talk about the black guy

oh my god and look they have desktop wallpaper??? just point me to the nearest pantheon of dicks so i can suck every last one for it

167 comments:

  1. man. I mean... man. this whole site's like a sparkling little gem of amazing badness. also who the hell dresses their ten year old daughter (or lets them dress up) like that, I mean really. it's like they just want to whore her out as soon as possible or something, jesus.

    though man. RED HOT TOXIC? that sounds like something that'll lead to complete disappointment due to the fact that it actually sounds kinda cool. ...if you were into cheesy horseshit like that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dave, you are the man bro.
    How high do you even have to be to make a site like that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. okay stop. how do you even get people who will reply to this shit. no. you need to like, stop mutilating poor DEFENSELESS JPEG FILES and get to the part where you do something useful.

    of course when you get to the part where you do something useful im sure some other jerk will tell you you're DESTROYING THE WORLD or somesuch. i just want to get to the part where your BLOG stops sucking so bad.

    oh, and say hi to GG for me... she's kinda cute. at least one of you isn't a DRAMA QUEEN.

    oh wait

    ffffuuuu

    ReplyDelete
  4. Что все это значит беспокоиться о конфеты? Я не вижу конфеты. Я вижу только яйца и сливочное масло. и странно красочными существами глядя на мой пах. Сделать боль моего светящегося стеклом фотография прекратить необычные вещи появляются. это не имеет никакого смысла в ней имеет избыточность.
    Дэйв! остановить это безумие! сохранить это безумие для масс хранения вам дорого.
    остановить убийство этих невинных людей! избежать этих вещах. сказать несколько слов о черной ребенка, однако. носа напоминает мне граната.
    -Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can't wait to hear about the black guy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't even know what the hell is up with this.
    It has a Red Hot Toxic area where they hand out Red Hot Toxic Door Hangers. And by they I mean head-attached-to-three-hooks Kristen.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh my gosh I didn't believe this was real until I clicked it. I couldn't look at it long before the SHAME of it all kicked in.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh I get it "Sweet Cred" is a pun on "Street Cred."

    I cannot believe JUST HOW LAME the Red Hot Toxic area was. Like I'm totally not going to be brave enough to play Parappa the Rapper with some colored buttons while observing some fucking candy behind a glass pane. It's downright insulting.

    This might be the lamest bit:
    http://www.mediafire.com/i/?utwzjq0kjmy

    ReplyDelete
  9. Antonio de something something said: "носа напоминает мне граната."

    I totally agree! I never would have noticed that!

    ReplyDelete
  10. i like how on the black dude's profile it says his interests are "shooting hoops, hip hop tunes, computer games, and vanilla ice cream". after the first two completely stereotypical interests, it's kind of hard not to figure that "vanilla ice cream" is probably some black dude street slang for "white girl ass".

    ReplyDelete
  11. also check out how if you click on "games" or something simon says "Shall we go inside and check it out?"

    shall??

    i thought simon was all about ATTITUDE. c'mon what is this. what a faker. unless he's doing some sort of ironic thing with his clothing and is actually an english professor. that would be cool

    ReplyDelete
  12. Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón

    Что вы написали? Я изучаю русский язык а я не понял выражение "масс хранения." Объясните, пожалуйста.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Did anybody notice Ozzie the dog's loves?

    Loves: Chasing anything that moves, all kinds of food out of the rubbish bin and LICKING HIMSELF..

    This is a children's website...right?

    ReplyDelete
  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  15. the poor people who run that site are probably wondering why on earth their hits have like quadrupled but they arent selling any more candy.

    ReplyDelete
  16. And what the hell is up with the asian girl's head? I mean seriously look at that thing ugh. Goddamn mutants. I honestly hope the artist partly responsible for this monstrosity is reveling in misery at what he has wrought.

    ReplyDelete
  17. iS tHIS mENT tO jOVIALLY sTIMULATE tHAT bONE yOU hUMANS hAVE? pOINT oUT tHE fAILINGS oF yOUR oWN pATHETIC rACE? i hONESTLY dONT kNOW wHY i bOTHER dEGRADING yOU, i sHOULD jUST wAIT fOR sOME sEMI-iRONIC "bAG oF fEMININE hYGIENE pRODUCTS" tO mETA mOCK tHIS pOST tO oBLIVION iN tWENETY yEARS tIME.

    nOT tHAT aNYONE wILL cARE tHEN eITHER...

    ReplyDelete
  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  19. http://www.sweetcred.com/kidshome.html#penny

    Penny is 10 but has tits. Largeish tits, in her superhero self. [Click on the PDF]

    I'm pretty sure paedophilia is illegal in Britain. I mean, haven't these guys seen Brass Eye?


    http://www.sweetcred.com/kidshome.html#carl

    Major typo here - "havng any sweets."
    He's listed as "The quiet one." Meaning he doesn't talk. I now cannot help but think of Carl as Geromy.

    Or does he grow up to be Carl from Family Matters?

    SECRET ORIGINS

    ReplyDelete
  20. "The quiet one" is so quiet he has to hold a microphone all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  21. My god have you seen the Games Arcade? It's like 6 year old games from Miniclip or something. These guys are geniuses.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Games Arcade=Miniclip. Any questions?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ugh, you totally didn't get it. Sweet Cred's lameness was INTENTIONAL. It's idiots like you who don't understand the irony that ruin things like this for the rest of us.

    ReplyDelete
  24. After reading these comments, I no longer feel the need to check your facts, and simply say that I agree to everything here.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Is it only me or the blonde 10-year-old girl has boobs?

    ReplyDelete
  26. I found this incredibly funny see how hard i am laughi:|

    ReplyDelete
  27. hahaha sweet jegus dave i am ellin my eff ay off rite noww
    ur a prety fukked up kid
    coldntt be proudrr of u ;P

    ReplyDelete
  28. Someone just hack the site and post swears everywhere. Please.

    ReplyDelete
  29. i cant take the irony, its just too much,save me, im drowning in amazing blog, not. jk, jk, this is a good blog, not gonna hate, the only thing is that this needs to update soon, dave, fit this inbetween saving the world and other crap soon.and, btw, i agree with almost everything here.

    ReplyDelete
  30. only blog i know worth commenting on ... and pretty smart, still ironic, but smart if u psychoanalyze it a bit, like i did. and yes, im not rose, she would never say your blog was good without mixing in enough advance vocab so you would even know what she meant in the first place or tell you in a smart ass way like the end of a conversation. either one.

    ReplyDelete
  31. please no one wear themselves out

    ReplyDelete
  32. Why does the black guy have ears in his hair

    ReplyDelete
  33. "The quiet one" wishes to be a rapper. But, hes the SILENT ONE for gods sake!

    ReplyDelete
  34. I wish Hussie bothered to update this someday

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. the internet is gone forever dude dave can't update this

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    2. the king is dead

      long live the king

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