Thursday, January 7, 2010

review of tony hawk

no not the game. just the guy. ive never played a tony hawk game.

ive never met tony hawk either. ill just go by mostly photos of him.

look at this goofy motherfucker. it looks like kevin sorbo had a savage face collision with james woods. note that i didnt say they had a "love child". people who use that phrase are fucking assholes

you would never get the idea he makes a ton of dough scooting around on a wheeled-up piece of wood made for little boys. hey haggard dude. yeah you with the goonish facial proportions. can you go nab me some sick air?? and while youre up there why dont you find a real job

skateboards havent been asserted as legitimately cool since probably michael j fox outmaneuvered biff in the fifties and fed him a world of cowshit i think to prevent himself from fucking his own mom. that and bart simpson. but bart simpson was never cool, no one ever actually thought he was cool even in the thick of their early ninties delirium. he never actually said anything clever and now that i think about it he was vaguely effeminate, which would be fine i guess but it betrayed his wafer thin eat my shorts attitude. maybe 20 years of having your lines delivered by a woman will make that happen. seriously even the idiots in the 90s werent really sure what eat my shorts meant. its like they were aware it was a retarded thing to say on some level albeit dimly, and let some shitty characterization slide cause it was a funny show. dear matt groening being a "cool kid" means more than hating school and dishing out mediocre sass over the span of 7 presidential terms. i dont know this character is so old already maybe i should start ripping jughead a new asshole or maybe lil abner while im at it. what the fuck am i even doing

then i think for approximately two years in the 90s people thought rollerblades were cool, and then someone splashed a pitcher of cold piss in all our faces and woke us the fuck up from that nightmare. a guy lumbering around on rollerblades makes it look like someone fucked with frankensteins shoes in his sleep as a practical joke. if youre wearing rollerblades you might as well shuffle down to the pawn shop and fork over your dick cause you just became so frightening to women theyll start handing out pink ribbons en masse to promote you-awareness.

basically anybody who gets bent out of shape about anything that has wheels needs to be whipped briskly across the cheek with the wishbone of a huge flightless bird

heres another one

i dont care about this suddenly

why would anyone go to sea world

you see a bunch of fat wet animals and then you go home

who gives a crap

i watched bruce almighty recently

this was my favorite part of the movie. bruce is talking to morgan freeman because he cant make jennifer aniston fall in love with him for some mind boggling reason