Thursday, January 7, 2010

review of tony hawk

no not the game. just the guy. ive never played a tony hawk game.

ive never met tony hawk either. ill just go by mostly photos of him.

look at this goofy motherfucker. it looks like kevin sorbo had a savage face collision with james woods. note that i didnt say they had a "love child". people who use that phrase are fucking assholes

you would never get the idea he makes a ton of dough scooting around on a wheeled-up piece of wood made for little boys. hey haggard dude. yeah you with the goonish facial proportions. can you go nab me some sick air?? and while youre up there why dont you find a real job

skateboards havent been asserted as legitimately cool since probably michael j fox outmaneuvered biff in the fifties and fed him a world of cowshit i think to prevent himself from fucking his own mom. that and bart simpson. but bart simpson was never cool, no one ever actually thought he was cool even in the thick of their early ninties delirium. he never actually said anything clever and now that i think about it he was vaguely effeminate, which would be fine i guess but it betrayed his wafer thin eat my shorts attitude. maybe 20 years of having your lines delivered by a woman will make that happen. seriously even the idiots in the 90s werent really sure what eat my shorts meant. its like they were aware it was a retarded thing to say on some level albeit dimly, and let some shitty characterization slide cause it was a funny show. dear matt groening being a "cool kid" means more than hating school and dishing out mediocre sass over the span of 7 presidential terms. i dont know this character is so old already maybe i should start ripping jughead a new asshole or maybe lil abner while im at it. what the fuck am i even doing

then i think for approximately two years in the 90s people thought rollerblades were cool, and then someone splashed a pitcher of cold piss in all our faces and woke us the fuck up from that nightmare. a guy lumbering around on rollerblades makes it look like someone fucked with frankensteins shoes in his sleep as a practical joke. if youre wearing rollerblades you might as well shuffle down to the pawn shop and fork over your dick cause you just became so frightening to women theyll start handing out pink ribbons en masse to promote you-awareness.

basically anybody who gets bent out of shape about anything that has wheels needs to be whipped briskly across the cheek with the wishbone of a huge flightless bird

heres another one

i dont care about this suddenly


  1. Bart always seemed kind of sad to me. Crying out for attention from his neglectful alcoholic father, constantly overshadowed by his supergenius Buddhist sister and the baby. And his only friend is Milhouse? Put Milhouse in real life and then imagine the kids who would be friends with him.

  2. whats truly cool, these days, are the sneakers on wheels. i mean shit, just the other day i spent like eight hours on a flight next to this little thirteen-year-old kid who was flying with his grandma. and when we get off the plane, BAM, hes rolling up the fucking walkway on these WHEEL SHOES. seriously right then my opinion of him instantly changes from insignifcant dweeby kid that fell asleep and accidentally fell on my fucking arm which was incredibly awkward because i hadn't even TALKED to the kid and now here he is asleep on my arm like hes my fucking little brother, into this totally sweet lil' bro that i'd like to chill with and roll around the sidewalks on wheeled sneakers.

  3. I wish they made wheel-sneakers in my size. I see kids at the mall or supermarket rolling around on them and I'm like: "That could be me rolling around."

  4. I cant believe how you manage to make the pictures so ugly

  5. dave strider: ripping crappy 90s cartoon characters a new asshole since 4/13/2009

    maybe earlier im not quite sure

  6. Is Dave even old enough to remember the 90s?

  7. oxy - My first thought was that his older bro, who is the coolest, regaled him with tales of how epically shitty all ten years of the 90s truly were - from "Home Alone" to "The Phantom Menace".

    But in a sudden moment of realization, it occurred to me that it's more likely that his bro merely made ironic reference here and there to how "cool" certain aspects of the 90s had been, forcing Dave to do his own legwork.

    This makes sense to me, because those actions would be sufficient to promote the rare kind of rigorous, dedicated reading comprehension and research fluency necessary to produce a being such as the bright young specimen we have here.

  8. Can't wait for him to rip Tiny Toons, then. That's, like, the Ninetiesest show ever.

  9. Wait, I think he's talking about Penguins. Dude, don't take your eyes off the penguins.


  11. фэйк, дейв страйдер не использует точки и запятые, 1/5