Wednesday, February 17, 2010

some candy company ripped me off

i dont know this just seems vaguely derivative

maybe what i mean is i wish i was the one who made that website. why is it the best kind of irony is always the unintended kind. dammit this candy slinging jackass doesnt even realize what a fucking genius he is. because hes too fucking stupid. stupid enough to think that a bunch of street savvy, mishapen headed, weirdly mongoloid looking motherfuckers is a one way ticket to selling a goddamn tsunami of candy

i dont know where to begin with this thing its like trying to shake the hand of a really fat guy, what do you even grab

ENTER KIDS' ZONE... fuck i could write a graduate thesis on this garbage, im repelled just by the sheer audacity of its hydranecked powergrab for my contempt. at least KIDS isnt spelled with a Z maybe they havent figured out how to do that in england yet. no not with the queens english, but of course in one fell swoop they use that same silvery tongue to titillate the devils squirming asshole.

ok hang on... panning through the grisly multimedia trainwreck of an intro oh ok SKIP... and music off... ok

i wonder if that music was from THE STREET. probably fucking jacked right the fuck off some fly homie's boombox

now we need to MEET THE SWEET CRED GANG obviously as soon as fucking possible cause i dont know how i slept a fucking wink without this posse of smug cunts taking me to school. how should i wear a hat oh ok backwards? whoa whoa slow down are you sure itll even FIT that way. we are talking about the same thing right, a HAT right. ha ha

lets talk about SIMON

ok i cant even say for sure if "cool" is even what they were going for here. reminds me of like in movies when they try to dress a drunk guy up to stand in as someone respectable to pull off a ruse, or maybe a dead guy like weekend at bernies. or a retarded guy who happens to be good at something but cant be no damn retarded guy or he'll b disqualified from the competition or whatever.

what im saying is that simon looks mentally handicapped and someone dressed him that way in the morning. dressed him "cool", skateboard check backwards hat check. i guess im saying simon is mentally challenged and he does skateboard stunts for applesauce (re: falls down)

the more i look at his head the more it resembles... i dont know

something indecent.

his head is like... imagine cauliflower-eared genitalia in a hat. imagine if you shaved someones pubic area and if what you found underneath could make a face at you. it would basically be simons face

the cartoonist i guess believes the lowered eyelids stylistically commands confidence but what he doesnt realize is that attribute massively amplifies the horrifying nature of the already latently grotesque. imagine if a dead guys nutsack had eyes and the eyelids lowered at you leaving little doubt: that sack KNOWS THE SCORE. fuck

oh man he LOVES: working on his skateboard moves and downloading GREAT VIDEOS... wait but where? grandad's gramophone or some uncool shit like that? NO AN MP4 PLAYER. thats how cool he is he doesnt even BOTHER with mp3 players like what the kids these days are probably using he skips right to fucking 4.

also hes not too keen on homework and i cant say i blame him, oh also he doesnt like not having money, and i mean damn son who DONT like being no broke ass nigga???? whoever wrote this shit needs to step on a rake in a comedic fashion

oh yeah hes 11 years old rounding him out to be the juviest wiggeriest little turd ever to politely request a beatdown via dipshitty smirk. oh ever notice how if a cartoon guy has a skateboard the wheels will NEVER be on the ground EVER.

im wearing myself out with this garbage and theres so much more filth to paw through.

what was wrong with the guy who made this. he was digging deep trying to get at some truth about young people i guess to "connect" with these little cretins who snap up his candy. i picture him rooting around in some chitinous cavity in his skull with a mean little seafood fork all digging and prying but instead of pulling out the truth all hes doing is yanking out little white fleshy bits that go awesome with butter.

ill talk about this later

the black guy oh god i gotta talk about the black guy

oh my god and look they have desktop wallpaper??? just point me to the nearest pantheon of dicks so i can suck every last one for it


  1. dude the fuckin talking dog is what makes that site

  2. man. I mean... man. this whole site's like a sparkling little gem of amazing badness. also who the hell dresses their ten year old daughter (or lets them dress up) like that, I mean really. it's like they just want to whore her out as soon as possible or something, jesus.

    though man. RED HOT TOXIC? that sounds like something that'll lead to complete disappointment due to the fact that it actually sounds kinda cool. ...if you were into cheesy horseshit like that.

  3. Dave, you are the man bro.
    How high do you even have to be to make a site like that.

  4. okay stop. how do you even get people who will reply to this shit. no. you need to like, stop mutilating poor DEFENSELESS JPEG FILES and get to the part where you do something useful.

    of course when you get to the part where you do something useful im sure some other jerk will tell you you're DESTROYING THE WORLD or somesuch. i just want to get to the part where your BLOG stops sucking so bad.

    oh, and say hi to GG for me... she's kinda cute. at least one of you isn't a DRAMA QUEEN.

    oh wait


    1. Okay, I am now convInced that You are a troll.

  5. Что все это значит беспокоиться о конфеты? Я не вижу конфеты. Я вижу только яйца и сливочное масло. и странно красочными существами глядя на мой пах. Сделать боль моего светящегося стеклом фотография прекратить необычные вещи появляются. это не имеет никакого смысла в ней имеет избыточность.
    Дэйв! остановить это безумие! сохранить это безумие для масс хранения вам дорого.
    остановить убийство этих невинных людей! избежать этих вещах. сказать несколько слов о черной ребенка, однако. носа напоминает мне граната.
    -Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón

  6. At least Simon doesn't seem to have a BRO like yours. That would be... fuck

  7. I can't wait to hear about the black guy.

  8. I don't even know what the hell is up with this.
    It has a Red Hot Toxic area where they hand out Red Hot Toxic Door Hangers. And by they I mean head-attached-to-three-hooks Kristen.

  9. Oh my gosh I didn't believe this was real until I clicked it. I couldn't look at it long before the SHAME of it all kicked in.

  10. Oh I get it "Sweet Cred" is a pun on "Street Cred."

    I cannot believe JUST HOW LAME the Red Hot Toxic area was. Like I'm totally not going to be brave enough to play Parappa the Rapper with some colored buttons while observing some fucking candy behind a glass pane. It's downright insulting.

    This might be the lamest bit:

  11. Antonio de something something said: "носа напоминает мне граната."

    I totally agree! I never would have noticed that!

  12. i like how on the black dude's profile it says his interests are "shooting hoops, hip hop tunes, computer games, and vanilla ice cream". after the first two completely stereotypical interests, it's kind of hard not to figure that "vanilla ice cream" is probably some black dude street slang for "white girl ass".

  13. also check out how if you click on "games" or something simon says "Shall we go inside and check it out?"


    i thought simon was all about ATTITUDE. c'mon what is this. what a faker. unless he's doing some sort of ironic thing with his clothing and is actually an english professor. that would be cool

  14. Did noone notice confusedAmbassador? Holy crap this is some serious meta. This is like better than phalluslad rocking on his board flippin sweet, no, skanky "trixxx" on his ten year old ass.

  15. Righteous work Dave...

    Also confusedAmbassador get bent. If you took enough time to pull your head from outta your ass you'd realize continuously trolling this shit makes you look like some crazed fanboy stalker.

  16. Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón

    Что вы написали? Я изучаю русский язык а я не понял выражение "масс хранения." Объясните, пожалуйста.

  17. So the black guy likes hip hop, the asian girl likes technology, the blonde girl is a vapid whore, the dog talks, and the white guy is the leader? this originality is blowing my mind

  18. Did anybody notice Ozzie the dog's loves?

    Loves: Chasing anything that moves, all kinds of food out of the rubbish bin and LICKING HIMSELF..

    This is a children's website...right?

  19. no no no no no this can't be real nobody would do this could not be serious please tell me this isnt real fuck its just what the fuck switch to business theres still the music and check the products and oh what the fuck holy shit mallow jelly buns soldier simon toy space shots its a fucking gun that shoots candy and its fucking real god it still seems more plausible that someone went to extraordinary lengths to fabricate this bullshit i mean come on triple spray super glo whistle stick lighstick armware wizzle fucking fizzle im not even making this shit up god i wish i was how can a person create this i mean this shit must have been made by diabolical fucking aliens not even brits are clueless enough to create a fucking monstrosity like this

  20. ok waht is this shit why won't they send me the password for the fucking Kid's Zone

  21. the poor people who run that site are probably wondering why on earth their hits have like quadrupled but they arent selling any more candy.

  22. And what the hell is up with the asian girl's head? I mean seriously look at that thing ugh. Goddamn mutants. I honestly hope the artist partly responsible for this monstrosity is reveling in misery at what he has wrought.



  24. This comment has been removed by the author.


    Penny is 10 but has tits. Largeish tits, in her superhero self. [Click on the PDF]

    I'm pretty sure paedophilia is illegal in Britain. I mean, haven't these guys seen Brass Eye?

    Major typo here - "havng any sweets."
    He's listed as "The quiet one." Meaning he doesn't talk. I now cannot help but think of Carl as Geromy.

    Or does he grow up to be Carl from Family Matters?


  26. "The quiet one" is so quiet he has to hold a microphone all the time.

  27. My god have you seen the Games Arcade? It's like 6 year old games from Miniclip or something. These guys are geniuses.

  28. Games Arcade=Miniclip. Any questions?

  29. Dave..............your AWESOME
    this arcitle is, hilarious. please right more about SWEET cred!!!!!! my brother DAN thinks your stupid but hes a moron

  30. Ugh, you totally didn't get it. Sweet Cred's lameness was INTENTIONAL. It's idiots like you who don't understand the irony that ruin things like this for the rest of us.

  31. After reading these comments, I no longer feel the need to check your facts, and simply say that I agree to everything here.

  32. Is it only me or the blonde 10-year-old girl has boobs?

  33. Also the black guy has a golden tooth.

    What the fuck, he coudnt just wait for his permanent tooth to grow back?

  34. I found this incredibly funny see how hard i am laughi:|

  35. hahaha sweet jegus dave i am ellin my eff ay off rite noww
    ur a prety fukked up kid
    coldntt be proudrr of u ;P

  36. Someone just hack the site and post swears everywhere. Please.

  37. i cant take the irony, its just too much,save me, im drowning in amazing blog, not. jk, jk, this is a good blog, not gonna hate, the only thing is that this needs to update soon, dave, fit this inbetween saving the world and other crap soon.and, btw, i agree with almost everything here.

  38. only blog i know worth commenting on ... and pretty smart, still ironic, but smart if u psychoanalyze it a bit, like i did. and yes, im not rose, she would never say your blog was good without mixing in enough advance vocab so you would even know what she meant in the first place or tell you in a smart ass way like the end of a conversation. either one.

  39. please no one wear themselves out

  40. Why does the black guy have ears in his hair

  41. "The quiet one" wishes to be a rapper. But, hes the SILENT ONE for gods sake!

  42. How fucking long have people been commenting on this shit. Also how many commented on it before they knew it was Homestuck?